I CAN'T!

I am not racist, but I am real. I love all types of people but I am not afraid to openly discuss, admit, observe and report accurate stereotypes (ie. Indians can't drive.) But I am sick of the ignorance that presents itself in the discussion of men and their disrespect of a black woman. Before I am ANYTHING else (student, friend etc.) I am a black woman and I am getting tired of the blatant down-putting that we receive.

Like this:

This is despicable. How can you have a black mother, black sisters, a black child and make such a statement?

I have no problem with interracial dating. AT ALL! I have dated and find men of different races attractive also, But denying and shunning your own race is disgusting. It's like people are missing the fundamentals.

Personal preference and desires will outweigh expectations but it does not supersede respect. And that ^ up there ^ is intolerable. There is nothing acceptable about a race disrespecting it's women. ...And that goes for any race.

Furthermore, I not only blame the ignorant state of man, I blame our fucked up media for consciously altering the subconscious minds of the masses. Continuously leading us to believe that if you are not white, "exotic," skinny, long haired, part of the upper tier socioeconomic category, have received formal higher education (scratch that obviously, no one gives a fuck about education anymore with the DUMMIES that people are obsessed with ie. Kim Kardashian, All of those 'Hills' people, Beyonce, etc.) or singing a damn sambo song you are not worthy of being seen by the masses. UNLESS YOU ARE ON A VH1 SHOW WHORING YOURSELF OUT FOR 15 MINUTES OF SHAMEFUL FAME and then you are not only a joke but a joke with no dignity.

Besides that, no one cares about your opinion or what you have to say. And this is not to say that there are no deviants (Oprah) but...she arrived in like 1990, it's 2010, where the fuck is the progress?

I have no clue what race the man I'm marrying will be, but hopefully by the time I have kids, my future daughter will never have to feel neglected by people that look just like her (figuratively speaking) and I won't have to embed in my son that all women should be respected.

Hopefully I won't have to make my children understand that although all cultures and races are beautiful, don't deny who you are as an individual nor who you are as a people. Hopefully things will be different. Because it pains me to see this. It doesn't make me hate white girls or want to be any different because I fucking love me. It really just gives me a bleak outlook for the future of self-identity, self-worth and how I'm going to have to unteach my kids the sad perceptions that today's EVEN SADDER society is being led to believe.

jumpin jahoozaphat.

ORIGINALLY TO BE POSTED: June 19, 2010 @ 8:10pm


- Hate this family and all you dumb people who made these already privileged folks even more famous and wealthy for no reason whatsoever while your asses are still poor.

- Ryan Seacrest is just creepy.

First Sat in a while that I'm off. A movie with boocakes tonight? Putting my new $18 freakum dress to use? All of my roommates are MIA. And I have no actual friends, besides my roommates, in Charlotte. The one girl I met and invited to my home since I've lived here got wasted on the VERY FIRST night she came here and was bragging about Las Vegas and knowing Heidi Montag and trying too hard and offending my other guests; so I gave up on finding friends. And I'm not a "Hey, I'm Aliyah. What's you're name?" type person so... ehh.. I'm a lonely soul. But I'm an only child! I been a lonely soul -- I'm straight.

Maybe Lauren will wanna go out when she gets home.

And... Uhh...

I'm off this.

summer's close.

Time to not give a fuck. Get naked. Get drunk. Be on my "bad girl." Waste money - mainly on gallons of henny and boxes of dutches. Go out to lunch every day. Moon cars full of cute boys and square looking white people on the highway. Keep my room dirty. Sleep the WHOLE day and wake up @ 6pm. Take adventures. Maintain a bald, bikini pussy. Skip the green pills so I can miss my period. Meet other drunk people and forget I met them.

At some point I'm going to have to grow out of this but I'm not ready yet. Maybe after I turn 21 but I'm determined to make sure that the fun doesn't end now. I have the rest of my life to be bored.

I'm ready for the mundane school days to be over. All I do is go to school and work. Every fucking week it's the same shit. I really need to live again. This feels so boring and I don't want to get used to being bored any time soon.

I spent my whole day in the house. I haven't been to class all week because I was sick and I kinda don't care. I want to care but I really don't. School is becoming so fucking annoying every semester. Maybe because I feel like I'm not doing something that I love. I kinda want to take a semester off and see what I can get myself into. I've been in school for almost 16 years so I don't know what it's like to not be in school. I need a break to figure out who the fuck I am. To be honest, I can't really see my life after I graduate. Being a teacher. Just doing the same boring thing everyday. Teaching kids some bullshit that doesn't even matter in the long run. Ok, the more I talk about it it's starting to piss me off.

You know how many boring people there are in this world? People who do the same shit 5 days out of the week and think that rock climbing on saturdays is walking on the wild side. That can't be the rest of my life. I can't imagine myself being happy with that.

All I care about in this world is shoes. Pray for me, people lol.

2 hrs later...

I'm still not reading. I'm shoe shopping online like an addict. Fuck my life. Fuck 2:53am. Fuck American Influence in Horror Literature. Fuck always feeling like I need more shoes.

*Dies*

re-tail.

My ass SWORE I was not going back into retail but unfortunately, with the minimal jobs available now, all the office assistant jobs are full-time or don't work with my hours and the childcare jobs require certification.

UGH! OKKKKKKKKK.

Black Friday was fucking hell. I worked 8 hours and the soles of my feet hurt. I am realizing again how much I hate people and the stupid questions they ask, their carelessness about dropping shit that they REALLY JUST saw me pick up, unruly, undisciplined kids. On top of that I work in a little girls store that some men apparently think is "gay" to walk into so only girls and women walk in leaving me without eye-candy to gawk at.

I drank someone's redbull out of the fridge yesterday after I woke up @ 9:12am because my fucked up blackberry's alarm didn't ring. I don't know if it was my redbull or not (and yall know I do not give one fuck if it wasn't) but I needed it. I flew in and out of the shower, and was swerving in and out of lanes trying to get to work on time @10 because the last thing I need is for "the man" to take me down and leave my ass employed a month before xmas.

Some dude from Haagen Dazs asked for my number. Normally I don't give my number, I'll take the guy's, but I wanted to see if he would be bold enough to take his phone out with his manager right there. Then nigga told me not to make fun of his phone...*rolls eyes*. I just laughed. He pulled out this shit (or something like it):

..which just pissed me off for the remainder of our conversation. I like to think I'm not THATTT superficial but Cricket (the MetroPCS of NC) is not going to cut it. Not now, not never!

Today our DM came in and I just hate having to look fake busy at all times.

I pierced my managers ear today because some little girl was crying about getting her ear pierced and my manager asked her if I pierced her ear would she get her ears pierced and she said yes. (Mind you, I have never pierced an ear in my life.) It was cute and all but my manager was clearly doing the most for that earring sale.

Then I left an hour early because my back hurt. I felt kinda bad though because the lady who has the same position as me got me by like 10-20 years and she walks with a limp, she was there before me and was supposed to leave the same time as me but when my manager asked me if I wanted to go I was fucking GHOST! Sry, Lori. *shrug*

I don't hate Christmas music but if I hear that Ashanti - Hey Santa song one more time I'm going to fucking off myself.

I came to work high one morning this week too and I don't think I'll be doing that again. Aside from the obvious reasons why I shouldn't, I was just dazed and confused for a good hour.

Anyways, I really shouldn't be complaining because some people don't have a job. But I bet if they did they'd be complaining about it too.

In conclusion, the first oz of weed I buy with my paycheck will be rewarding! :) YIPPEE!!!

dark-skinned white girl.

If you don't know about Murs lemme put you on. (Fans probably already know this.) Murs is an underground rapper from LA who is amazing in every sense of the word. If you like shit that resembles Immortal Technique but is a little less political you'll probably like him, so just listen:

If you can't tell what the song is about it's about being the "Wigger" or the "Oreo". I think it's crazy how, although he is a dude, Murs sees what it's like growing up to be a female outcast.

This song really hits home for me because I used to get called an Oreo when I was younger. Because I "talked white" (I could not will myself to say words like "like-did") and had white friends, I lived "across the tracks" on the better side of town, I didn't dick ride Lil Bow Wow when he came out and I didn't wear weave and flat twists.

Today I realize that that type of shit could've broken me, but it didn't. I fought bitches back in the day to teach them to stay in their place. And no, I didn't win every fight but I held my own even when I didn't win because fighting my boy cousins taught me how to rock. It's sad because I know alot of young girls go through an identity crisis and it's most prevalent during the middle school years. What's even worse is that the girls who do all of the running off at the mouth are just as insecure as the girl who gets made fun of; maybe even more.

The "weak" ones always prevail though. I saw one of the chicks who used to call me an oreo at a club last year with dingy braids, a sloppy ass shape, and her shoes had dust bunnies on them. Two other girls had kids. I just looked at them and had that secret moment of singing the "I'm Better Than You" song. And yeah, you can say every life who comes into this world is a beautiful soul and no one regrets having their kids because they can't see themselves without them blahh blahh blahhh but I am grateful to not have a little doodoo butt to clean up after, a "babbyzaddy" and another mouth to feed at 19 years old.

So to all you bussit-babies out there who felt like my vocabulary and enunciation made me too "white," eat my dick after I dip it into these Oreo cookie crumbles. :] (Yummy!)

get gully.

I hate to say I told ya' so but I knew this was gonna happen:

So my roommate and I almost fought yesterday. We had just left the club where her nagging ass was complaining the whole time about how bored she was and yadda yadda. I actually felt bad because, at one point, she even went outside to sit by herself while me and my other roommate danced but I guess she feels a little insecure because at 6'4" she stands out towers over most dudes.

BUT ANYWAYS, We get in the car and I'm like "Well did you dance in high school?" and she's like "We usually would just dance in a circle." So I'm like hmmm... "Like old people?" Yeah it was a little joke but it wasn't that serious. Then she goes on about how her grandma practically raised her and she "grew up with morals and values she she doesn't grind on dudes."

And I'm thinking to myself like... THE FUCK SHE TRYNA SAY, I DON'T HAVE MORALS?

So I keep my cool and bypass the insinuation, all the while, try to ration with her and tell her that most grandmas would say that kind of dancing is inappropriate because of the generational difference.

SO (here goes the drama) she goes on to say that:

• I always have something to say about somebody/something.
• I speak to people too aggressively.
  
• I am "a fucking bully."
• I think I can talk to anybody how I want because I'm from Jersey.
• I am "a disrespectful ass bitch."
• I am mean as hell.
• I need to humble myself.
  

ALL THE WHILE SCREAMING THIS SHIT @ ME ON THE WAY HOME WHILE OUR OTHER ROOMIE'S DRIVING.

OK... now.... *deep breath*.......

When I say it took EVERY OUNCE OF MY ENTIRE fucking inner-being not to haul off and punch this bitch in the back of her head, I MEAN THAT SHIT.

Calling me out of my name alone is means for a curb stomp but shorty really tried to go in on me.

Mind you she is in my face all day everyday asking me what I'm doing or asking me why I say certain words the way that I do, trying to mimic the way I talk, doing little bothersome shit that like... little sisters do to their big sisters. (I can't think of a better description.)

AND we had a fucking house meeting last wk on some bullshit yet I was basically the only one who spoke about my issues.

I told them then, "If you have a problem with anything that I do you need to open your mouths because problems won't get solved if you don't say anything," and I told them, "be real with me because I don't respect people who don't keep it 100."

I also don't understand how the fuck a grown ass woman, who's 6'4 can feel bullied by an equally grown woman who is 5'3. That shit is ironic as hell and it just don't make sense.
As far as me speaking aggressively, it may be my dialect or accent or whatever or the cultural differences but I really don't know what the fuck she's talking about. Nor do I plan on finding out because I've been who I am since May 16, 1990 and will not be changing who I am 19 yrs later for one lonely soul. And that Jersey statement just made her sound like a pussy.

Last but not least.
These are the only conditions under which I would need to humble myself:
1. When speaking to my mother; she birthed me.
2. When speaking to an elder; it is respectful.
3. (To an extent) In situations with my man; dick is a powerful thing.
4. When speaking to my boss; he writes the check.

Any situation other than the above do not call for me to "humble myself" because motherfucker I'm grown.

And so I went off on her something ill because... bitch, who the fuck you think you are? And it didn't stop until we got home. We argued, threw the b-word around and shit until we got home. My other poor roommate didn't even say a word. And also she basically asked if I was moving out or she and I told her "I'm not going no where."

So idk what's gonna happen now but shit, all is said and done. I really think she has some sort of underlying issue with who I am and my personality and it all just came out but shit I never change. If I changed myself to accommodate those who had a problem with who I am, I would never know the real me.

And I am also very proud of myself because I truly feel like I am growing into an adult. Had this confrontation happened 2 yrs ago I would've been on the shoulder of the highway fighting like she hurt my mother (that's the thought that used to get me hype in my head back in school).

I'll keep yous updated on everything.

ehh...

Maybe I'm growing out of the whole blogging thing, though. I mean, how many times can I see pics of Amber Rose in Complex mag, videos of Joe Budden and other trivial bullshit?

Cuz really, I don't give a fuck about 90% of the shit I see. Aside from the fact that I never really give a fuck about anything that doesn't have anything to do with me and mines, I can see through alot of people and it's just UGLY.

Hmm.. idk. I'm giving myself 10 days to decide whether I wanna be part of "social networking" sites or whether I just want to only focus on the people and things that are directly in front of me. People that I can physically see and touch; people that can't hide behind the good pictures that they weeded out of the batch of webcam pictures that they took; people that I don't feel like the world ends when a celebrity does something different to their hair; people that can't put up this facade of leading a lifestyle that doesn't even exist.

I see some of these characters on the internet re-creating their fucking lives. Trying to impress people that they'll never see. Some people that I know, in person, like... NIGGA, I KNOW YOU! YOU ARE NOT THAT! Some folks fronting for people that don't even live in the same state as them and probably don't even know what their real name is because they only know them by their internet names.

Eh.. it's getting kind of sickening. Real talk, I'm not gonna sit on my computer and type shit that sounds good for yall. Everybody is trying too fucking hard. The internet is looking corny right about now.

some "nigga shit."

Although the OVERALL issue of dark skin v. light skin, may have unknowingly affected the way someone perceived me, they have never directly told me and I have never heard of it so I don't really know what other chicks go through with being told about their skin color.

Maybe because I ride that line in the middle. I'm, by no means, light skinned and yet would not be considered dark skinned. I am a self-proclaimed brown skinned person. I'm lighter than hot chocolate but darker than coffee with cream. I'm darker than a brown paper bag but lighter than mahogany. But when summer hits I'm deep, dark brown and I loooove that too.

However, shit like this disgusts me about OUR PEOPLE AS A WHOLE!





I'm not one of those people who believe that anyone's wrong for their personal preference because to keep it 100, I LOVE ME A CHOCOLATE, SMOOTH BODY man. GOTDAMN!

Here goes the nitty-gritty: Chocolate men have a presence. Often times darker skinned men have a more even complection. My thought when I see a sexy dark skinned man is that he can give me that good-good, talk to me dirty, and his sweat tastes like cinnamon. And don't let him have a ill body, too! Then it's a done deal. Often when I look at (tanless) light skinned men I see the color of raw chicken. SRY!

All in all, I've had my share of light and dark men. My last and most serious boyfriend was mixed and light skinned and I loved when he had a tan because that shit just made him look yummy. And my last boothang was lightskinned and sexy as all hell.

OK I'm rambling...

Point is, this shit has got to go. This is no longer a debate, black people. It is WHAT IT FUCKING IS! I prefer dark skinned and Joe Blow probably love him some LSLH. WHO THE FUCK CARES ANYMORE?!

I believe that the main issue is people think "Who the fuck are you to like something that you're not?" That's what it seems like. Like, you have some nerve liking blasian, blaxican or dominigga bitches when you're a dark skinned nigga. But get over it! That shit is done! But if you have self-hatred and don't like dark skinned or light skinned men/women because you have identitiy issues or a problem with who you are, get that shit checked out, pronto!

miss me with...

1. Lacefront wigs on regular folk. I was at a fucking track meet today and one of the coaches had on a fucking lacefront! EXCUSE ME, REGULAR ASS LADY, you need to take that shit off! You are not Beyonce, Ciara or... whoever the hell else has a fucking PROFESSIONAL CELEBRITY HAIRSTYLIST! And so I'll be joining the anti-lacefront movement this year.
2. Wedges/espadrilles. I don't understand! Those shoes have been out for a loonnnggg time and it's not until 2009 that I see bitches by the tens rocking those ugly things. They're not even all ugly but I see chicks wearing them with the most regular shit! Like plain colored tees from Conway and shit. UGH.. Go home!
   
3. People who detest weed smokers but will chain smoke Newports like it's nothing. I will admit that I will RUN from cigarette smoke because that shit gets in my hair and clothes but if you're a cigarette smoker, do you! We all have our vices.
   
4. Big chains. Also, at the track meet, I saw about 10 niggas with medallion chains on, a la 50 cent circa 2006. Blasphemy!
   
5. Unrealistic self-perception. If I see another barrel shaped female wearing a size small and her lower back and gut is winking at me from the bottom of her shirt, if I see another nigga in highwaters, if I see one ill-shaped person in a two piece, I sware I will killll! Not to say there's anything wrong with anyones size but after about the age of 15, you should know your size. Shit I know I will probably never wear a size small again.. and I deal with it very well.
6. Grown ass people who still confuse their homonyms. (ex. "THERE shoes are hot.") C'mon nowww! And I also get tired of seeing people use the comparative, than, instead of the chronological term, then. Or when people use the word worsT instead of worsE. OMGG! BREAK THE FUCKING KEYBOARD, PLEASE!
   

MY fckn blog.

This is directed towards no one in particular but it seems like a few 'bloggers' feel like they have the right to judge the content that people decide to place in their blog. My biggest question with their judgement is

"WHO THE FUCK ARE YOUU?!"

Ok yeah, you have 352 followers, 17 comments per post, your followers follow you on twitter, and people tag you/link you... at the end of the day, what makes you think you can tell someone that how they express themselves isn't interesting enough?

My main purpose in joining blogger was to be able to type up the things that I would write in my diary. Being born in a computerized generation, I HATE handwriting things. Now that blog is 'hidden' and this is my public blog.

The purpose of this public one is for me to say whatever the fuck I want. Period. There's some days where I care more about my nails more than I care about Kanye; some days when I just wanna write type about the fucking loser niggas I encounter, and some days when I just feel like putting a video up of me doing stupid shit like dancing. And sometimes I just feel like expressing how good the blunt I just smoked was and MY FCKN BLOG is where I wanna do it.

But shit, I'll be damned if I sit here and front for people on blogger. Everything I put on here is stuff that I care about and the shit that comes out of my mouth. I don't need to create a personality to appeal to people on blogger.

But whatever I'm gonna wrap this up: I browse many blogs outside of the blogs of those that I follow and frankly I'm getting sick of seeing people complain about how people "steal" videos/pics/music/fashion off of blogs. WTF?! Anyone who is interested in any of these things is gonna see it. Who cares who posted it first? There's no Breaking News, and you're not fuckin' CNN, so does it matter if you posted a video that YOU GOT OFF WSHH/YOUTUBE or a pic of sneakers that YOU RIGHT-CLICKED AND SAVED OFF HYPEBEAST and then your follower posted it? No, nigga!

And for those who feel that people post uninteresting things, Shut your grown ass up and click the X, doggy.

I'd rather have 2 followers (including me lol) if it meant that yall didn't read/care about my shit or thought I was boring. UN-follow me! No need for me to waste space on your blog feed or whatever. Do you.

[/rant].

random shit at 3am.

Why I do the things I do, I'll never know.

I get a call from X last night at 3am saying he's FUCKED UP, his phones about to die, and he could only call 1 person before his phone died and he NEEDS me to come to Pway. (And I stress the word NEED because I specifically asked did he NEED me to come). I wasnt sleep, I was laying in bed about 20 min after taking a shower.

45 minutes and a quarter tank of gas later, I'm in Piscataway meeting him at his FRIENDS house!

I'm like uhhh... WTF?! I thought u said u NEEDED me to come. This doesn't look like a NEED situation. YOU KNOW WHAT THIS MOTHERFUCKER TELLS ME......?!
"I was drunk and lonely, I really wanted to see you!"

Ohh..ok.. so that explains the fuckin drive up the parkway AND 78 AND 22? Mmm... NAHH!
I have a 1 "Bogus Favor" Limit with folks and this definitely qualifies as 2.

So I'm sitting at his nigga Kawanna's house, and they're rolling up so (despite me saying I was quitting) I smoked. And then I wanna leave and he tells me that Kawanna turned the alarm on and this nigga is KNOCKED OUT! We could not wake him up. I'm like "Why's he sleeping so hard?!" Then X tells me that he had like 6 beers, a fucking XANAX!, and 4 blunts. WHY DO MADDD PEOPLE POP PILLS NOW?! That shit is random as hell and it's fuckin scary! So now I'm stuck there. At that point I just said fuck it so we cuddle up & go to sleep. I will say that I was high as hell so I wasn't even that mad because I feel like I would've been too tired to drive all the way back to school @ 5AM.

So I leave @ 7:30 fly back on the parkway and get back to school @ 8 on the dot.

Pshh.. whatever, moral of the story is: I'M NOT DOING SHIT FOR ANYONE ANYMORE.
Especially niggas!

[/rant]

no one's gonna understand this shit.

I realize how deprived my generation is. Or even more deprived the future generations will be as everybody will strive to be something their not, or conform, or comply with these things that have no relevance.

I don't mean to come off all philosophical and shit but sometimes things like this run through my mind. I really go through these periods of deep thought and consider what the fuck I'm doing with my life and how I wanna break free from all of this shit that life is.

I don't understand how in order to live a "successful" life we're forced to create these barriers for ourselves and function between them. It seems like the barriers that we have are made of dotted lines that we, every so often, will escape but yet we fall right back in between the lines and rarely venture out.

Why the fuck am I in college?! I haven't learned shit here besides the fact that it's easier for me to wake up around 9am after I've been drinking all night and slept for 4 hours, no one cooks as good as my family, people tend to not shower until after they know they smell like ass, and white owls make for a better high than dutch masters.

I don't fucking know anything! I know that probably says more about my institution than it does of college in general. But even more than that, it says more about society's mind control than it does of my school. We've really been suckered into believing that the only way we can be successful citizens is by listening to 50 year olds basically read a book to us, then graduate, and get a job.

It may seem contradictory for me to rant about our reliance on forced and higher education, seeing as I want to be a teacher. But I feel like my attitude towards education is much more different than the average educator.

Obviously I'm not going to drop out of school and live like a nomad or freeload off of others, because that'd go against the steps that one must take to be a successful person. But it's those same exact steps I have a problem with. That also goes to show that no one is exempt from compliance and that this is life.

Life is mind control!

From the time we're brought into this world and our parents are asked for a first and last name to put on the birth certificate. We're followed, tracked, and trapped. All our parents want us to do is go to school, get good grades, maybe join a sport, stay away from drugs, go to college and get a good job.

Why?! So I can work for the rest of my fucking life?! By the time I graduate, and let's say I wanna go for my masters, I'll be 25 years old. 26 Max. Why the fuck would I willingly accept working for the next 37 years?! (Considering the average retirement age of 62.)

I really need to assess my ultimate purpose. I have these theories of ultimate purpose that I never expose. And I'm sure the fact that I have no religion, and have not been exposed to much religious practices and such, effects my theory. I believe in GOD but I don't go to church. I couldn't name you one verse from the Bible. I couldn't tell you any stories except the one about Noah's Ark and a sourly embellished version of the David and Goliath.

But I want to explore life more. I want to know why we do what we do. And I may have fallen prey to conspiracy theories that exist because I really believe that we have overseers and we, as a people, have been enslaved. More so, I realize that money rules the world and if anyone doesn't know the truth about the top 100 families that rule America should look deeper into that and understand the concept behind the allegations.

From here on out my life is going to change. I know that sounds corny but as I've gotten older I'm starting to see through all this shit. People are as transparent as glass. We're all followers. And if you don't agree then you've fallen for false belief that you're "unique." Because ultimately were all conforming to this 'master plan' that society has created for us.

I don't understand anything anymore. Maybe I'm going crazy.

Over and out.