too bad, november.

This is a weird month. Things have been looking bad for all who I know and as far as school, I have been slacking horrendously. It's really a shame. I can only blame it on me alone, however I went to see my doctor who told me that stress, depression and my extremely low Vitamin D levels are contributing to my lack of motivation, my constant sleepiness, and my lack of energy as well.

Besides that I am a lucky woman right now because I have a love interest that cares about me and vice versa. Because of that I know that alot of things will be alright. Maybe not everything, but just having that additional light in your life brings about a certain type of joyousness and happiness that is much appreciated.

I love my job.
I have a slight distaste for weed now therefore I don't smoke now. For one, I haven't had anything exotic since I brought my stuff back from NJ and because of that I don't really like anything else because of that slumpy, dead weight feeling it gives you, and that nasty ass taste it leaves in my mouth that makes me want to brush my teeth right after. So I pass on many blunts now. I'm over it.

I just really need to put the missing piece of the puzzle in place and that would be to get my school shit together. I am a smart cookie and I need to use this to my advantage and remember why I am here. I need to really take advantage of my brain and be excited to learn. Somehow I must figure out a way to make myself eager to receive education because sometimes it seems like a chore. I realize what the power of knowledge is but I just don't know how to translate this into really getting my education. UGHH! I have some work to do.

My roommate and her bf fought the other day and I called the cops. Knives were involved, pots, her computer is nearly split in half, she bit the shit out of his shoulder and I believe chunks were missing. I'm not going to even tell you how I feel about this situation because honestly does it even matter? She will still be dating and dealing with dude, and his 1 yr old, and his babymoms, and his lack of diploma, GED, car, place to live (he has technically been living with us for the past 2 months), or job. I hate to be a Debbie Downer but some people really don't ever want to be more than nothing, and the women and men who support these types are pathetic.

I need to really start going to church because I am honestly fearful that the world we live in is sure to end soon. I don't know that religion has anything to do with it but I definitely need to approach a spiritual understanding and relationship so that I can keep myself sane in these times. I'm scared.

quitting for a while.

Looking for a new job, car, and apartment so I don't need bud to distract me.

And I'm dead ass.

umm... let's see. *waves magic wand*

I'm feeling really whimsical so I've decided to shed some layers and dump my current boyboy and quit smoking again. I was doing really good when I sobered up and then I slipped up when this niggi started coming by regularly so I gotta get back to grinding again. I hate to severe ties but at the same time we're not making moves in either direction. It's stagnant right now and I'm hot blooded, I need some excitement!

My roommates are in the livingroom doing the most @ 12:48am like these walls are soundproofed and I don't have to open the store in the morning. -______-

Umm... the other day my room was looking like a random gypsy horder room so I took some pics of it before I cleaned the shit out of it. I really need to do some spring cleaning literally and spiritually.

Facebook is starting to get on my nerves too. I've had a facebook for a long time and ALOT has changed. Unacceptable people like my grandma and my little cousins, bestfriends, 13 yr. old little brother have requested me and it's like ehh.. REALLY?! Idk. It's just ridonkulous now. I'm still not even comfortable with accepting people I didn't really talk to like that in school.

I have been working myself sick so I can stack and still live a little right now and it's nuts but oh well, that's how it is. I guess my little short stint of having no weed has helped me realize that it really don't bring me shit. It don't make nothing better, nothing worse, it just wastes time, and really I need all the extra time for taking care of myself that I can get.

I wanna change my site around but I forgot how to do all that damn html wysiwyg bullshit that I learned in 10th grade. So until I really get some time to sit down and try to figure out things on this damn computer you will continue to see that obnoxious banner that's been there for a good yr now.

I'll let you know how my "spring cleaning" goes. But trust and believe it's gonna go. Really, I got a few things I'm tryna obtain so I'm like let's make moves!

bad habits.

For some reason after you get off that long ass dry spell you want it day in and day out. That is not the business because I'm not trying to get all in with this nigga. He hits me up on the daily and although I'm trying to be cordial and all that, this is strictly business and I'm not looking for lve. Especially a couple wks before vday. Yeah, vday presents are cool and all but I feel like all that lovey-dovey vday shit is mad fake if you haven't been seeing the same person for a long time prior to the holiday. We're gonna see how everything plays out.

I need to stop shopping. I got some change saved up to kick off my car savings but I've still been shopping on the reg like I got it like that. I'm in a very comfortable financial position right now but I still need to be smart about what I buy and stop being so fucking impulsive. I have 4 bags worth of stuff sitting at my feet right now that I have yet to wear let alone I have yet to wear my sneakers (I don't really wear sneakers that much now). All from this past month's shopping excursions. -I'm the type of person who doesn't take shit out of the bag until I'm ready to wear it.

With that being said, I want these more than I want dinner for the next 3 wks:

Patent Leather Brogues - Marc by Marc Jacobs, $350


One thing I must say though, is that God has me right where I wanna be right now and I'm extremely thankful. Because of that, I feel like it's only right to give back in any way I can so in the next week I'll not only be donating clothes to Goodwill but I'll also be shipping out clothes and baby formula to Haiti soon as I get some boxes from mommy this wknd. Karma works both negatively and positively and I feel like putting that good karma into the world makes me better appreciate what I have and feel less guilty about my incessant spending.

I smoke every now and then now when ..... brings it. But I'm not going nuts anymore.

After the other argument I had with my roommate the other day. Me and my other two roommates filed a complaint on that ass and got her kicked out. She should be done moving by tmrw. I like when things go my way. Bitch had the nerve to say if there's liquor in the house or if people are smoking on the porch she's gonna call the cops on us. She also said "If you want a bitch, I'll be a bitch... I can be your worst nightmare." I'm like HOLD THE FUCK UP! Not after her drunk ass broke our living room table, or all the times she invited random strangers from outside into our apt. That's a no-go. So I gave her one of these -__- and now her ass is packing.

I'm trying to get my ace, Vanessa, to come down here during spring break so she can witness what I go through on a daily living in NC.

Besides all that, everything is all gravy. I'll prob be on here later to open my big, fat mouth some more but right now I gotta get ready ;].

Oh, let me not forget. HAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY new followers! And to my old followers, yall stay down so you know it's ALL LOVE, ALL THE TIME.

insomnia 10: stopping in.

I'm making moves out here. Right now things are good. My car is nearly kaput but it's all gravy because I plan on getting a new car in Jan. I'm aiming for the g35 but who knows. I just gotta have some restraint on how I spend my young mulah baby so that means no more Jimmy John's, Thai food, and picking up random things on my way to the cash register "because it's only 10 dollarsss!" I'm a sucker for things that are "only *insert any monetary figure that is $20 or less here*" or if they have a SALE sign hanging above it. SMH.

I'm not going in on my l_ve life because every time I mention shit about a nigga on here..... well, you know the rest. So, mind your business. I will say I keep torturing my ex by sending him half-nakies (yup, with the face cut off). It's FUN! :] MWAHAHAHAAAAA!!!

I'm probably gonna end up moving back with my mommy after my lease is up in July. She hates her living situation and even though I don't necessarily wanna live with her I'm not really feeling my living situation either. I don't think I'll be able to live with another female that I don't fuck with like that again. Mommy gets on my last nerves, but at the end of the day that's moms, so I just walk away stewing but in 15 minutes I'm good. When people that I don't care about get on my nerves, it makes me just wanna pour ammonia in their soup. (And I say this with the straightest of straight faces right now) Revenge is sweet to me and I just get evil thoughts sometimes. *kanye shrug*

And plus, I wanna get a puppy and we can't have pets here. Womp womp!

Ummm... my ass still fat, my waist still little and my titties still plump and that's all that matters.

Sike. But forreal though, here's some pics from our... idk... dinner turned party the other night: (be advised: i was in rare form. click the pics for hugeness)

That is a sexy tatt.



Niggas get Henny in the sys and start breaking tables and shit... SMH.

Those are my roommates. (We all kinda don't fuck with the tall bitch anymore. Well.. I don't fuck with her AT ALL.)

Wanna know what's crazy though? Dude with the tatt (I forgot his name) was trying to put that word in my ear the WHOLE NIGHT! He even put his # in my phone but I have no clue what his name is so it's somewhere lost in my contacts. Nothing was gonna go down though cuz I'm a laaaaaaaaaaadyyyyy [/Shananay voice].

insomnia 08 - '09 wrap up.

This year has been a crazy year of ups and downs. There were alot of changes for me this year and although they weren't all good, I think experience is the best teacher so there are some things that I know now that I would not have realized if it weren't for the circumstances.

This year I got my first car and apartment. Two things that signify adulthood and independence. However, I've always been told that with freedom comes responsibility. I believe it. Rent is no joke. Actually, rent is fucking ugly and I hate it. The car shit is all gravy but once a month my mom lectures me about how fast I drive and how she'll kill me if her insurance goes up. *Talk to the hand*

I moved. I hated it. I still hate it. I don't fucking like where I live and I would've never envisioned myself living outside of New Jersey, let alone in North Carolina. But I have to. My roommates, although they bug me to pieces, they are actually great people as a whole. We have alot of good times together and I've learned things from living with them.

My uncle died. The epitome of the great father that I never had. He and my aunt were going through a kinda ugly divorce but he was always a good father and my cousins loved him. He was the type of father that a single-mother raised girl would love to have and he was just a great guy overall. He died 3 days before my birthday and I was devastated. He's unforgettable.

One thing that resulted from my uncle passing was my re-acquaintance with my fathers side of my family and my father. I hadn't seen my nanna in a long time, and some of my cousins had grown to be so big. My father attempted to make nice with me, and out of respect I was receptive to him but all the years lost can't be made up for. I think he knows when my birthday is but who knows? He has never done much and I don't expect much. But dealing with the death of my uncle helped me to understand not to take my family for grated.

My grades still aren't good. I do just enough to get by but I'm bad with class attendance. I hate going to class sometimes. I want to be a GREAT student. I want to make my family proud but at the same time I have no discipline and I don't know how to make myself show up to class everyday. I'm working on that. I really want to change.

I don't talk to my "bestfriend," Brielle, anymore. When I moved, she was apathetic. And blew off the plans we made for the week before I was supposed to leave. (This isn't the first time she's done something like this) Then after that, she still didn't hit me up until 3 wks later. That's not a bestfriend, that's barely even a friend. And from someone I've known for so long, I would expect her to be better than that. So I cut her off. Another experience that teaches me not to expect much from people.

My mom and her boyfriend, who she moved down here for, broke up. She moved out of his house 3 wks after I got here and she just took everything she wanted and left one day. I think it was best for her, they weren't compatible and he was borderline verbally abusive, but it breaks my heart that the reason I'm down here is essentially because my mom came down for him and then she leaves.... WHAT THE FUCK?! That shit really blew mines!

I got a decent job at Claire's. I like my coworkers, they're cool. But I cried because I couldn't go home for Thanksgiving because I had to work Black Friday. I don't care too much about Christmas. I'm not a kid anymore and I really stopped expecting to get gifts (especially in times like this) but I wanted to eat good food, get drunk, and spend hours laughing with my family. :(

A few days before Thanksgiving my great grandpa was diagnosed with colon cancer and because he's so old he won't last long. Need I stress that my family is MY WORLD; the only constant, unchanging thing in my life. Then today my mom tells me he found out he has liver cancer as well which just adds insult to injury. It has been stressful and hard to focus on positivity when so many emotionally draining things have happened thus far between my move and everything, and my family. The doctors told us that my bed-ridden great grandma was supposed to die years ago and my main fear is that I lose both of them within a short span of time. I feel like when my great grandpa passes my great grandma will throw in the towel as well. I'm scared of everything.

So this has been my year. A quarter tank of good and the rest filled with bad. I got to take one step forward, but with all of the tragedy and my move, I had to take two steps back. I smoke alot and sleep alot because during those times my mind isn't there. I can take my head away from whatever is burdening me and not give a fuck for some time. I just want everything bad to just stop being bad. Hopefully next year will be just a great, positive year! I hope.

here we go again.

I need to edit my life. The end.

dark-skinned white girl.

If you don't know about Murs lemme put you on. (Fans probably already know this.) Murs is an underground rapper from LA who is amazing in every sense of the word. If you like shit that resembles Immortal Technique but is a little less political you'll probably like him, so just listen:

If you can't tell what the song is about it's about being the "Wigger" or the "Oreo". I think it's crazy how, although he is a dude, Murs sees what it's like growing up to be a female outcast.

This song really hits home for me because I used to get called an Oreo when I was younger. Because I "talked white" (I could not will myself to say words like "like-did") and had white friends, I lived "across the tracks" on the better side of town, I didn't dick ride Lil Bow Wow when he came out and I didn't wear weave and flat twists.

Today I realize that that type of shit could've broken me, but it didn't. I fought bitches back in the day to teach them to stay in their place. And no, I didn't win every fight but I held my own even when I didn't win because fighting my boy cousins taught me how to rock. It's sad because I know alot of young girls go through an identity crisis and it's most prevalent during the middle school years. What's even worse is that the girls who do all of the running off at the mouth are just as insecure as the girl who gets made fun of; maybe even more.

The "weak" ones always prevail though. I saw one of the chicks who used to call me an oreo at a club last year with dingy braids, a sloppy ass shape, and her shoes had dust bunnies on them. Two other girls had kids. I just looked at them and had that secret moment of singing the "I'm Better Than You" song. And yeah, you can say every life who comes into this world is a beautiful soul and no one regrets having their kids because they can't see themselves without them blahh blahh blahhh but I am grateful to not have a little doodoo butt to clean up after, a "babbyzaddy" and another mouth to feed at 19 years old.

So to all you bussit-babies out there who felt like my vocabulary and enunciation made me too "white," eat my dick after I dip it into these Oreo cookie crumbles. :] (Yummy!)

if you just wanna read some pointless, random shit....

I miss street vendors. That's one thing that the "city" of Charlotte is missing. No city is complete without old, foreigners selling $7 rings made of random stones and metals or cheaply made $5 glasses or $5 belts. :(

I got a job as keyholder at Claire's. I was gonna post this a long time ago, when I was really nervous about whether I'd get hired or not despite me meeting the DM, but I didn't because I feel like blogger is cursed. Everytime I post about something it goes to shit. (Oh well, I'm superstitious and it doesn't make sense but just rock with me.)

LALALA I want a fucking pound of weed. I have ridiculous cravings and it's just so fucking annoying now that I haven't smoked in over a month! I'm getting irritable. On the plus side, if I needed to take a drug test now would be the most opportune timing.

I'm really trying to figure out what I'm gonna do when my lease is up. I don't really like the apartments I live in because it's mostly college kids that live here and the owners know that, so they take advantage of it by slacking on maintenance and things of that nature. Also I don't think my living situation is the best. I have 3 female roommates. I already have an unforgiving and intolerant nature so throw 3 random females into the equation and, like Clark Kent I turn into *dun dun dun DUNNNN!* UBERBITCH! There is lots of shade, side eyes, and stank faces thrown their way when I see nasty crumbs on the counters or when an ignorant ass lets the fucking garbage bag fall into the bin and still putting shit inside it. I really need to minimize my stress by at least getting into a living situation where I will only have to deal with 1 other person's reckless bullshit.

I just heard a pop outside that sounded like a gun shot and I didn't even flinch. But let a group of niggas walk by, my ass will jet towards the window and peep through the blinds. NOSEY OLD LADY GAME PROPER!

I miss a time when life was simpler and my only care in the world was what class I was gonna cut, what I was gonna wear tomorrow, how I was gonna get liquor and sneak out for the house party on the weekend and whose parents were gonna let them borrow the car. (aka highschool) When you're a youngin you think you can handle, and actually sort of embrace, the responsibility of being "grown" but now I wish I could turn back the hands of time. Shit like paying for gas and even buying groceries and shit for the house is just TOO FUCKING MUCH! I really used to underestimate my mother's responsibilities as a parent and now I realize I owe her the world! Life is fucking expensive. And why the fuck does aluminum foil cost a fucking arm and a leg?

A fight just happened outside my building. *shrugs*

School mannn... I might try to take a majority of online classes next semester cuz I just don't want to get out my fucking BED sometimes! And the crazy shit is, I try to say that I'm not lazy because I don't wanna get out of my bed to sit in a class but I'll hop the fuck up and throw on my shox to hit the gym in a heartbeat. My fucking priorities be all skewed and shit

You probably already know this but I loveeee green tea! :)

I hope weed gets fucking legalized soon. Let's ALL party!
Also, I don't understand how people will drink but when the topic of weed gets brought up it's "I DON'T FUCK WITH THAT SHIT?!" Like its blasphemous. Oh, so you'll put chemicals and toxins in your body, and ruin your liver, but won't smoke this natural herb? OH, OK! Makes perfect sense.

I need some fucking eccentricity in my life! The south is basic as hell.
SB: I'm really gonna try to stop bashing the south like I don't live here now. I don't want people to think that I think I'm better than them just cuz I'm from NJ. It's a compilation of reasons why I'm better so I'll try not to make that the most significant one. LMAO!

I think I'm gonna start using Flickr more. I don't use it because I'm lazy and I hate exploring new sites and getting all aquainted, I'm too preoccupied with shit that matters. But I take alot of pics on my bb so after I get that shit on and poppin I'll post a link somewhere I guess.

My nipples hurt and 739 pimples just appeared on my face. Guess my period will be making it's comeback for the month of November sometime soon. ([/enthusiasm] /sarcasm)

Blahzay blahh. Woo woo. Yee yee and all dat.

insomnia: 05

I feel like things are changing. More now than ever I'm having "adult-like" thoughts. Thinking about what I'm going to do with my future, my goals, what I want to have by the time I'm 25 and so on and so forth.

I'm also realizing I don't have the tolerance and patience for grown people who do kid things.

It disgusts me that my roommates will wash 1 dish after they use it. There can be 3 cups a bowl and a couple utensils in the sink but these bitches will put soap on a plate, run a little water and wipe it down with a sponge. THAT IS FUCKING DISGUSTING (dishes do not get completely cleaned and sanitized unless they are submerged in hot water and soap) and it wastes the fucking dish soap that I bought! I don't understand why they just don't run some fucking dish water and wash the dishes in the sink.

Also I don't understand what constitutes the appropriate level of garbage that has to be in the can before they take that bitch out. When do some females become domesticated, I wonder? They are pitiful.

I signed a year lease for my apartment in August so I won't be able to move out until next August unless I sublease. Howevever, come next August I am determined to get my own apartment and get a doggy. (I really don't wanna come home to an empty house every day.)

I've given up on finding friends and/or pursuing a relationship right now. I don't care for people down here and niggas aint shit. Kiddinggg. If I meet people, then that's cool but I'm not sweating the situation. Friends and relationships are not necessarily conducive to MY PERSONAL goal; they are merely setbacks. Yeah, ideally I want to have both but I don't, and allowing that to consume my thoughts, put me down, and depress me is doing nothing productive for me.

I often forget that I came into this world alone; with no one. And I guess it takes certain situations to remind me of that. Since I've moved I've left alot of people behind (including my inconsiderate bestfriend). I can't be concerned with doing things in hopes of maintaining my relationships with people because all that bs gets you stuck.

My main focus right now is getting a JOB, staying in the gym, keeping my grades up, and stacking my chips.

I miss my familyyyyyyyyyyyyyyYYYYYYYyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! OMG man! I would have to say not seeing my family has been the hardest part of my move.

I was never really close to my father but being away from every thing and everyone I care about has made me appreciate EVERYTHING, even the things I hate, back at home. By the time I get back to Jersey I want to work on establishing a closer bond with my father.

I guess I'm just growing up, in a way. Petty shit that used to mean something doesn't mean a thing. I'm more aware of what I want out of life and I have a somewhat clear view of how to attain it. I'm also learning more about myself and learning not to take the things that I do have for granted.

Despite the fact that I hated moving, I feel like God made this happen for a reason.

'Thank you.'

All about the skrilla.

I'm contemplating whether I should go to class because.. the weather is ugly and rain doesn't agree with my non-permed roots. So, ehh... I don't know.

I miss home, man! Also Empire State of Mind always has me feeling some type of way when i hear it. I know I'm not from New York, but the city has always been a hop, skip, and a jump away and I'd go just about every other weekend. I would really just go to party and shop then come the fuck home -- nobody's trying to do a whole bunch in the city because of how they try to price rape niggas. Living close to the city always made me feel like NYC was so overrated when people would gush about it (I still think that, though). But I do miss NYC and day trips to thrift stores, free summer concerts, meeting groups of bk boys to spend a couple hours with, friendly bums, GOOD MUSIC AT THE FUCKING CLUB, the parades, street shows, tourists taking pictures of tall buildings, sex shops, the always interesting subway rides, buying jewelry on the street, sahara hookah, big ass $1 pizza slices, etc.

I don't understand how Rihanna is doing the same shit that chicks have been doing in the hood since the 90's and is getting press for it?



People are really like "Her nails are dope!" I can't even count how many times I've seen that design on the airbrush boards @ Nail 3000, Pretty Nails, and T&P Nails. I'm really over the Rihanna hype. She don't even know wtf she's wearing, she's just going along with the shit because she knows she gets attention for it.

Also I can't with Amber Rose anymore. Yeah, I think she has a great body and she is still gorge but I truly feel like she doesn't have 'Ye's best interest at heart. Obviously IDK what kind of relationship her and 'Ye have but if she was really wifey material she would have him a little more grounded. And it doesn't help that she forever looks like she's on the hoe stroll. I just really don't care for the image she embodies. It's classless.

I'm not off all this VMA hype either. I'm not going to go in about it but basically this has turned into an excuse to incite all the racist remarks that white people want to say about blacks but can't until a black person does something that, seemingly, justifies it.

It's not a black/white thing, it really wasn't even a malicious thing. Yeah, I think Kanye was wrong, but look at the real shit: the numbers. Let that speak for itself.

I'm done talking statistics.

Keep it juicy.

get gully.

I hate to say I told ya' so but I knew this was gonna happen:

So my roommate and I almost fought yesterday. We had just left the club where her nagging ass was complaining the whole time about how bored she was and yadda yadda. I actually felt bad because, at one point, she even went outside to sit by herself while me and my other roommate danced but I guess she feels a little insecure because at 6'4" she stands out towers over most dudes.

BUT ANYWAYS, We get in the car and I'm like "Well did you dance in high school?" and she's like "We usually would just dance in a circle." So I'm like hmmm... "Like old people?" Yeah it was a little joke but it wasn't that serious. Then she goes on about how her grandma practically raised her and she "grew up with morals and values she she doesn't grind on dudes."

And I'm thinking to myself like... THE FUCK SHE TRYNA SAY, I DON'T HAVE MORALS?

So I keep my cool and bypass the insinuation, all the while, try to ration with her and tell her that most grandmas would say that kind of dancing is inappropriate because of the generational difference.

SO (here goes the drama) she goes on to say that:

• I always have something to say about somebody/something.
• I speak to people too aggressively.
  
• I am "a fucking bully."
• I think I can talk to anybody how I want because I'm from Jersey.
• I am "a disrespectful ass bitch."
• I am mean as hell.
• I need to humble myself.
  

ALL THE WHILE SCREAMING THIS SHIT @ ME ON THE WAY HOME WHILE OUR OTHER ROOMIE'S DRIVING.

OK... now.... *deep breath*.......

When I say it took EVERY OUNCE OF MY ENTIRE fucking inner-being not to haul off and punch this bitch in the back of her head, I MEAN THAT SHIT.

Calling me out of my name alone is means for a curb stomp but shorty really tried to go in on me.

Mind you she is in my face all day everyday asking me what I'm doing or asking me why I say certain words the way that I do, trying to mimic the way I talk, doing little bothersome shit that like... little sisters do to their big sisters. (I can't think of a better description.)

AND we had a fucking house meeting last wk on some bullshit yet I was basically the only one who spoke about my issues.

I told them then, "If you have a problem with anything that I do you need to open your mouths because problems won't get solved if you don't say anything," and I told them, "be real with me because I don't respect people who don't keep it 100."

I also don't understand how the fuck a grown ass woman, who's 6'4 can feel bullied by an equally grown woman who is 5'3. That shit is ironic as hell and it just don't make sense.
As far as me speaking aggressively, it may be my dialect or accent or whatever or the cultural differences but I really don't know what the fuck she's talking about. Nor do I plan on finding out because I've been who I am since May 16, 1990 and will not be changing who I am 19 yrs later for one lonely soul. And that Jersey statement just made her sound like a pussy.

Last but not least.
These are the only conditions under which I would need to humble myself:
1. When speaking to my mother; she birthed me.
2. When speaking to an elder; it is respectful.
3. (To an extent) In situations with my man; dick is a powerful thing.
4. When speaking to my boss; he writes the check.

Any situation other than the above do not call for me to "humble myself" because motherfucker I'm grown.

And so I went off on her something ill because... bitch, who the fuck you think you are? And it didn't stop until we got home. We argued, threw the b-word around and shit until we got home. My other poor roommate didn't even say a word. And also she basically asked if I was moving out or she and I told her "I'm not going no where."

So idk what's gonna happen now but shit, all is said and done. I really think she has some sort of underlying issue with who I am and my personality and it all just came out but shit I never change. If I changed myself to accommodate those who had a problem with who I am, I would never know the real me.

And I am also very proud of myself because I truly feel like I am growing into an adult. Had this confrontation happened 2 yrs ago I would've been on the shoulder of the highway fighting like she hurt my mother (that's the thought that used to get me hype in my head back in school).

I'll keep yous updated on everything.

update, smutplate.

Let's play 4 Lies and a Truth:

I got 100 on my first quiz.
I got a milli in the bank.
I got a kid on the way.
I got a glock in the closet.
I got a nigga in my bed waiting for me.

...Guess which one is true!

Lol, ok it doesn't take that much guessing! But it'd be great if, for my amusement, you assumed that I had a milli in the bank OR a nigga in the bed. I guess I'll be happy for that one little lonely truth sitting up there, I GOT 100 ON MY FIRST QUIZ, GUYSSS! This is coming from the lady that never gets 100 on ANYTHING! So yes I'm gonna gas this shit up.

But besides all that school's cool, I guess. It's hard because the one year that I decide to focus and not let my social life take over, is the one year that I transfer and don't know a soul (except for my roommates). They're cool though so I kick it with them alot but I need to meet some people on my own, outside of my house because I lowkey feel like eventually they're gonna get on my nerves if I'm around them alot alot. SO! I have to shed my "Fuck other females cuz they aint 'bout shit" attitude if I don't wanna be a social leper.

My mom and I are on bad terms. Chick still thinks that she could talk to me like I'm 12 and it's all G but oooh is she misinformed! So when I was on my way to her house last wk and she started getting outta pocket I told her that I wasn't coming and banged on her 2 miles away from her house. I know it sounds DISRESPECTFUL but I was already frustrated because I was driving around the fucking state for an hour, wasting a quarter tank of gas trying to get to her house and here she is talking to me like I owe her tax... Nahh doggy, I will not be arriving to your house with bells on. But she hasn't spoken to me since. *Shrugs* Do what it do, baby!

Everything else is just coasting by smoothly. The Nigga Survival Kit (liquor and weed) are running low, but I'm living. I'm not even gonna front and say that I won't be repurchasing any weed anytime soon because I'd only be lying to you and me both, but I'm probably gonna wait until I find a job to cop an oz because what I look like dropping about $150 on weed and the 50 count box of dutches and I don't even have a steady paycheck? That's some ignant sheeit!

But shit, we eating over here so it's all gravy until I randomly spend all my money in one night at Urban Outfitters, Kids Foot Locker and Cook Out (cuz they got these good as "cook out trays" where you can get close to 4 things for like $6)! Yall know how it is right?

i came, i saw and i conquered that ass.

Negativity sometimes gets the best of me. But I truly believe that I am a realist and negativity is inevitable when you are looking at things from a genuine perspective without over or under reaching. There's some things I've come to realize in this past year that have made this year an epic one.

Females cannot be trusted as far as you can throw em, catch em, even reach out and touch them with your index finger. And when I say "trust" it's not even a matter of them lying or being deceitful, although that's included, it's just a matter of realness and genuineness. You cannot trust a female to tell the full and complete truth and you cannot trust a female to be reliant. Shit.. you just cant trust a bitch, pointblank.

I'm not even going to go as far as to say that I'm not one of these said females, because I lie, cheat, steal, embellish, so on and so forth. But despite all that, I do not stunt. Come time for confrontation or if there is an issue with me and another person, I will not bite my tongue or withhold my feelings. And no, it's not because I am just "so honest" or "in your face" it's because shit don't get solved without confrontation. And if you don't know I'm all about me and mines so if getting my way involves using MY mouth then so-be-it.

I'm not ruthless, it's just my demeanor. I've been an outspoken person all of my life and keeping your mouth shut doesn't get shit solved. People don't have mind detectors so shit has to be said.

Furthermore, I've learned that age truly is experience. I used to roll my eyes at the statement "respect your elders." WHAT THE FUCK FOR?! I mean just cuz they're old doesn't mean anything. But in living life I'm starting to see that some of the shit that meant alot to me at even 17, is trivial bullshit to me now. Some thing's aren't worth the drama, at this age, for me to even deal with it. I don't have enough time on my hands to deal with the run-around either. I do still believe that there are some dizzy ass adults though. Everybody hasn't learned from the experiences that life has thrown at them so, although they grow in year, they don't grow in intellect. It is what it is though.

It also seems to me that everybody has vulnerabilities and weaknesses that they are SO SCARED to let the outside world see. When I was younger, I could understand it more so. Back in the day when people used to get made fun of in school because of stupid shit. But as I'm getting older I see that EVERYBODY has their own personal self-struggles. Regular folk like me and you, people in the limelight, EVERYBODY! The only difference that exists between us is either the confidence we create or the facade of confidence. Either way, it helps us get by in our everyday lives but when we get home by ourselves and each look into our mirrors individually, we have to face what the truth inside of us is.

Those of us who have confidence seem to have created an impenetrable shell that keeps others from significantly affecting us. I don't think that people are unaffected in total. But the strength and assurance we have inside us is what makes us able to deal with with criticism.

Those who have created a facade would like to have that shell that restricts criticism and outside elements from affecting them, but they don't. They just don't have it! And in an effort to be seen as a strong, and resilient being in this crude world, they put on a mask of confidence that blinds their real selves. It's only when they get back home and look in the mirror at themselves, and take that mask off that they truly see themselves for who they are and some people just can't take it.

I feel sad for the people who can't deal with criticism though. Because it's gonna happen. We are criticized all our lives. From the time we're in school, being made fun of, taking tests to criticize our intelligence. Even as we grow into adults, by submitting college applications and interviewing for jobs we're being criticized. That's what this world, and the nature of humans is.

Although unfortunate, these things are unchangeable. And it takes time, and experience; failure and struggle to see these things. Those who never fail and never struggle have a harder time realizing what it all really is but this is it. This is real life.

if you can cook your ass off, i'll give you the world.

The non-cooking female aint shit.

Who the fuck really wants a chick that can't cook? I think men who settle (for lack of a better word) with a woman who can't cook had mothers who didn't cook, and/or sisters who didn't learn because their mother didn't teach them. So, therefore, they believe that it's standard for a female to not be in the kitchen.

Granted, every female can't THROW DOWN in the kitchen, that's on a whole 'nother level and even though a chick may not be able to make baked macaroni and cheese, and pork chops, Kraft Deluxe and Shake-n-Bake will have to suffice. But it's nothing like being able to make a full meal from scratch that tastes damn good.

The ULTIMATE useless woman is one that cannot cook OR clean. Don't get me wrong, I do not think that's ALL we're good for and I think it's great if a man knows how, and will participate in both as well, however, women are supposed to be more domesticated. We typically raise our children and have to teach them how to do these things one day. And I personally don't want my man, husband, boyfriend, WHOEVER to seek elsewhere for anything! Not a meal, not a maid, not a nothing!

I think it's nice to be able to afford to go out and eat and go to 5-star restaurants and all that good good but at the end of the day, there should be no reason why a man can't come home from work and have dinner being made FOR HIM by someone who loves him. Not for a whole restaurant full of paying customers.

So, it is what it is ladies. GET YOUR DOMESTIC GAME UP! Nobody said it was easy.

p.s. Also, meals that repeat themselves week after week is not hot either. No one, man, woman, or child wants to already know that Monday is spaghetti night, Tuesday is taco night, Wednesday is fried chicken night etc. EVERY DAMN WEEK!

today was actual hell.

Last night my car wouldn't start for some weird reason. So today my mom woke me up being rude as hell @ 7:30am cuz we had to go to the place to get my battery tested. FYI: The only reason why I'm gonna be staying here for the next week is to help my mom move out of this apartment with her ex. But at the same time, I'm moving my stuff into my apartment... More or less it's really hectic and hard to explain.

Well today when I'm moving into my apartment, I got a deep, 1" scratch on my leg from the bed. There was a piece of loose metal or something and it cut the back of my calf so deep you could see white meat. It was naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasty. (I hate blood btw.)

So I was really queasy and it pissed me off because I have like NO scars on my body & when shit like that happens, where I could get a scar if it doesn't heal right, it makes me F-angry!

Then, it was THE ONLY rainstorm outside today and... people drive like the raindrops release poisonous gas into their cars. I don't get it.

More packing, more annoying, more blahblahblah, more lifting boxes.

We drop some shit off @ my mom's new apartment and apparently I scratched my eye somehow! I was scared shitless and we go on our way to the emergency care place so I can get it looked at because it was a really deep. We end up having to go to the fucking E-Room at the hospital ALL THE WAY ACROSS CHARLOTTE because EVERY REGULAR PLACE IN THE SOUTH IS CLOSED ON SUNDAYS! >=[

By this time I'm fucking pissed! And I can't open my eye. So we're in the E-Room for a half hr, listening to some chick puke her pussy out, the the 2nd E-Room for an hr and a half before we get called, he tells me that it's no big deal and nothing I can do, and gives me a fuckin tetanus shot that feels like somebody punched the shit out of my arm.

www dot Fuck My Life dot com

killa season.

Summer's backkk....

So far my plans for the summer are:

- Chill with my father's side of the family more. Even though I hate his ass, the death of my uncle has definitely brought it to my attention that we all need to be more present in eachothers lives and how I need to appreciate my loved ones.

- Get a fake ID! Shit I'm tired of carrying a flask! ;]

- As usual: Read 2 books.

- Start saving money on a down payment because I want to get a BRAND NEW, OFF THE LOT car by the beginning of spring semester.

- Make copies of my all time fave CD's to put in my car so that when my ipod dies I don't have to listen to the radio. ( Kanye's 1st 3 albums, OB4CL, Back to Black, Donuts, Nastradamus, Stankonia + The Love Below, Money Power Respect, Fly or Die, Return of the Space Cowboy, Love vs. Money, Bob Marley's Greatest Hits, Midnight Marauders, The Documentary, The Blueprint + Reasonable Doubt, Don't Quit Your Day Job, Emancipation of MiMi)

- Spend a few hours feeding the homeless @ a shelter or something.

- Find a job for the fall.

- Spend a whole day (or a full tank of gas) worth of exploring North Carolina. Just me, my ipod, a cooler in the trunk and my GPS to get me back home.

- Use my restaurant.com gift card somewhere and take my mommy out to dinner.

- Roll like 6 L's and watch movies with my BESSSSSFRANND brielle.

- Buy something ridiculous and dumb.

- Explore religion.

- Go to the spa. (That's the closest thing I'm gonna get to a vacation this summer)

- Watch ALL of Rico Strong's videos. He's the black male god of porn. Google him ladies!





Hopefully I can fit all of this in before summer ends. I think it's possible because alot of them can be done in one day. I wanna know some of your summer plans too, everybody! Comment or post a list of your own, pleaseeeeee!

6 small announcements:

1. I love nude nailpolish.

2. I cannot wait until next wks. episode of gossip girl.

3. It's getting hot and niggas are already acting up.

4. Single life is the pits.

5. The *NEW* facebook app for Blackberry is the shiznit.

6. I'm EXTREMELY overwhelmed. Crisis much?

HOllA.

no one's gonna understand this shit.

I realize how deprived my generation is. Or even more deprived the future generations will be as everybody will strive to be something their not, or conform, or comply with these things that have no relevance.

I don't mean to come off all philosophical and shit but sometimes things like this run through my mind. I really go through these periods of deep thought and consider what the fuck I'm doing with my life and how I wanna break free from all of this shit that life is.

I don't understand how in order to live a "successful" life we're forced to create these barriers for ourselves and function between them. It seems like the barriers that we have are made of dotted lines that we, every so often, will escape but yet we fall right back in between the lines and rarely venture out.

Why the fuck am I in college?! I haven't learned shit here besides the fact that it's easier for me to wake up around 9am after I've been drinking all night and slept for 4 hours, no one cooks as good as my family, people tend to not shower until after they know they smell like ass, and white owls make for a better high than dutch masters.

I don't fucking know anything! I know that probably says more about my institution than it does of college in general. But even more than that, it says more about society's mind control than it does of my school. We've really been suckered into believing that the only way we can be successful citizens is by listening to 50 year olds basically read a book to us, then graduate, and get a job.

It may seem contradictory for me to rant about our reliance on forced and higher education, seeing as I want to be a teacher. But I feel like my attitude towards education is much more different than the average educator.

Obviously I'm not going to drop out of school and live like a nomad or freeload off of others, because that'd go against the steps that one must take to be a successful person. But it's those same exact steps I have a problem with. That also goes to show that no one is exempt from compliance and that this is life.

Life is mind control!

From the time we're brought into this world and our parents are asked for a first and last name to put on the birth certificate. We're followed, tracked, and trapped. All our parents want us to do is go to school, get good grades, maybe join a sport, stay away from drugs, go to college and get a good job.

Why?! So I can work for the rest of my fucking life?! By the time I graduate, and let's say I wanna go for my masters, I'll be 25 years old. 26 Max. Why the fuck would I willingly accept working for the next 37 years?! (Considering the average retirement age of 62.)

I really need to assess my ultimate purpose. I have these theories of ultimate purpose that I never expose. And I'm sure the fact that I have no religion, and have not been exposed to much religious practices and such, effects my theory. I believe in GOD but I don't go to church. I couldn't name you one verse from the Bible. I couldn't tell you any stories except the one about Noah's Ark and a sourly embellished version of the David and Goliath.

But I want to explore life more. I want to know why we do what we do. And I may have fallen prey to conspiracy theories that exist because I really believe that we have overseers and we, as a people, have been enslaved. More so, I realize that money rules the world and if anyone doesn't know the truth about the top 100 families that rule America should look deeper into that and understand the concept behind the allegations.

From here on out my life is going to change. I know that sounds corny but as I've gotten older I'm starting to see through all this shit. People are as transparent as glass. We're all followers. And if you don't agree then you've fallen for false belief that you're "unique." Because ultimately were all conforming to this 'master plan' that society has created for us.

I don't understand anything anymore. Maybe I'm going crazy.

Over and out.

brand new, fresh out the box.

Not only is this a HOTTT SONG by Trey Songz sexy a$$...

But I'm also going to try to enact a "brand new" attitude from now on. I really think I have a really good life and I (try to) surround myself with good people but I really need to focus on my future. I'm the type of person that lives for the moment and I disregard the future ALOT. I can't really see where I'll be in the next month or two, theoretically. I assume it has to do with my immense fear of getting old but I don't know what to do about that.

Basically I'm gonna try to be more motivated about my future and try to think ahead. Because being a here-and-now person gets me into alot of avoidable predicaments.

But for now, just press play and listen to trey ^!