It's been a while since I've posted but right now I need an outlet. I am fine. I am doing well and happy and I am living a decent life. My main concern now at 22, as my maternal instinct begins to kick in, is my emotional readiness to have a family.
I am SO anti-females bringing children into this ugly world without being financially or mentally prepared to do so, so of course that's not in my future. But I am interested in working toward having a family of my own now. I am ready to begin my journey as someone's long-term significant other, then wife and then a great mom. Is this my biological clock ticking already?
My problem with allowing myself to progress towards this stage in my life is not only the fact that I feel I have terrible trust issues that need to be addressed, but also the daddy issues I have as well.
Many of the widely known stereotypes of women who grow up without fathers in their homes and deadbeat daddies tend to be true. I am one of the many girls who grew up in a single-parent home with my mother taking on both roles and evidently there is nothing like having a father figure in your life.
As a result, I over-think how I interact with men, I become emotionally attached very soon and I don't know how deal with things that perplex me about men. I use "fight or flight" as my defense mechanism. I'm a bitch or I disappear. This, I'm sure, is a turn off because I can come off as moody or detached and I want to control it but I can't stop!!!
If not for nothing else, I'd like to control how much I read into situations so that I can not translate them as being the worst thing ever or a lie. I am overly skeptical about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. For instance, If I don't get a call back I assume it was to creep with another chick instead of simply that he fell asleep.
I want to get over this. Even when I consciously attempt to control these type of thoughts, subconsciously I am holding back my terrible trust issues and yearning for unconditional and true infatuation and love.
It's not that I don't love myself but I want a man that loves me. I am tired of half-ass relationships, talking for 3 months only to be disappointed in something, feeling vulnerable and open for no reason, and even wasting my time, breath, and anytime minutes getting to know someone. I just want it to HAPPEN and be GENUINE and INSTANT. I am tired of the bullshit at my age.
This could very well be (and probably is) just me over-thinking again but I don't want to go through this anymore. It's exhausting and makes me feel emotionally insecure. I even feel shitty to talk to God about man issues because I feel like I sound like a bird when I do that and God is thinking to himself 'Holla at me when you have some real problems, chick.' So I am trying to find the emotional strength within myself to hold my head and find a stable balance between my ice cold heart and my yearning for true love.