Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Vulnerability? Why not?

It's been a while since I've posted but right now I need an outlet. I am fine. I am doing well and happy and I am living a decent life. My main concern now at 22, as my maternal instinct begins to kick in, is my emotional readiness to have a family.

I am SO anti-females bringing children into this ugly world without being financially or mentally prepared to do so, so of course that's not in my future. But I am interested in working toward having a family of my own now. I am ready to begin my journey as someone's long-term significant other, then wife and then a great mom. Is this my biological clock ticking already?

My problem with allowing myself to progress towards this stage in my life is not only the fact that I feel I have terrible trust issues that need to be addressed, but also the daddy issues I have as well.

Many of the widely known stereotypes of women who grow up without fathers in their homes and deadbeat daddies tend to be true. I am one of the many girls who grew up in a single-parent home with my mother taking on both roles and evidently there is nothing like having a father figure in your life.

As a result, I over-think how I interact with men, I become emotionally attached very soon and I don't know how deal with things that perplex me about men.  I use "fight or flight" as my defense mechanism. I'm a bitch or I disappear.  This, I'm sure, is a turn off because I can come off as moody or detached and I want to control it but I can't stop!!!

If not for nothing else, I'd like to control how much I read into situations so that I can not translate them as being the worst thing ever or a lie. I am overly skeptical about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. For instance, If I don't get a call back I assume it was to creep with another chick instead of simply that he fell asleep.

I want to get over this. Even when I consciously attempt to control these type of thoughts, subconsciously I am holding back my terrible trust issues and yearning for unconditional and true infatuation and love.

It's not that I don't love myself but I want a man that loves me. I am tired of half-ass relationships, talking for 3 months only to be disappointed in something, feeling vulnerable and open for no reason, and even wasting my time, breath, and anytime minutes getting to know someone. I just want it to HAPPEN and be GENUINE and INSTANT. I am tired of the bullshit at my age.

This could very well be (and probably is) just me over-thinking again but I don't want to go through this anymore. It's exhausting and makes me feel emotionally insecure. I even feel shitty to talk to God about man issues because I feel like I sound like a bird when I do that and God is thinking to himself 'Holla at me when you have some real problems, chick.' So I am trying to find the emotional strength within myself to hold my head and find a stable balance between my ice cold heart and my yearning for true love.

6 comments:

BrookiiBrooke said...

In order to find real true love you have to be ready to get hurt. You'll definitely go through periods where you feel you've wasted your time on the wrong men as you journey through life, but those experiences make you stronger and make you realize what you will and will not put up with.

I've always found the most fulfilling relationships, even when they didn't work out, came when I wasn't looking for it. When I truly opened myself up to each experience and lived in the moment instead of trying to read into every action I was more content. Just take it day by day and God will put the right man in front of you :)

Adina Renée. said...

It's been so long & thank you for the kind words. <3

Amaka* said...

I love your blog! So personal and heart felt. Mine is somewhat similar so you may like it!

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