Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Vulnerability? Why not?

It's been a while since I've posted but right now I need an outlet. I am fine. I am doing well and happy and I am living a decent life. My main concern now at 22, as my maternal instinct begins to kick in, is my emotional readiness to have a family.

I am SO anti-females bringing children into this ugly world without being financially or mentally prepared to do so. So of course that's not in my future. But I am interested in working toward having a family of my own now. I am ready to begin my journey as someone's long-term significant other, then wife and then a great mom. Is this my biological clock ticking already?

My problem with allowing myself to progress towards this stage in my life is not only the fact that I feel I have terrible trust issues that need to be addressed, but also the daddy issues I have as well.

Many of the widely known stereotypes of women who grow up without fathers in their homes and deadbeat daddies tend to be true. I am one of the girls who grew up in a single-parent home with my mother taking on both roles and evidently there is nothing like having a father figure in your life.

As a result, I over-think how I interact with men, I become emotionally attached very soon and I don't know how deal with things that perplex me about men.  I use "fight or flight" as my defense mechanism. I'm a bitch or I disappear.  This, I'm sure, is a turn off because I can come off as moody or detached and I want to control it but I can't stop!!!

If nothing else, I'd like to control how much I read into situations so that I can not translate them as being the worst thing ever or a lie. I am overly skeptical about EVERYTHING and EVERYONE. For instance, If I don't get a call back I assume it was to creep with another chick instead of simply that he fell asleep.

I want to get over this. Even when I consciously attempt to control these type of thoughts, subconsciously I am holding back my terrible trust issues and yearning for unconditional and true infatuation and love.

It's not that I don't love myself but I want a man that loves me. I am tired of half-ass relationships, talking for 3 months only to be disappointed in something, feeling vulnerable and open for no reason, and even wasting my time, breath, and anytime minutes getting to know someone. I just want it to HAPPEN and be GENUINE and INSTANT. I am tired of the bullshit at my age.

This could very well be (and probably is) just me over-thinking again but I don't want to go through this anymore. It's exhausting and makes me feel emotionally insecure. I even feel shitty to talk to God about man issues because I feel like I sound like a bird when I do that and God is thinking to himself 'Holla at me when you have some real problems, chick.' So I am trying to find the emotional strength within myself to hold my head and find a stable balance between my ice cold heart and my yearning for true love.

Monday, November 15, 2010

too bad, november.

This is a weird month. Things have been looking bad for all who I know and as far as school, I have been slacking horrendously. It's really a shame. I can only blame it on me alone, however I went to see my doctor who told me that stress, depression and my extremely low Vitamin D levels are contributing to my lack of motivation, my constant sleepiness, and my lack of energy as well.

Besides that I am a lucky woman right now because I have a love interest that cares about me and vice versa. Because of that I know that alot of things will be alright. Maybe not everything, but just having that additional light in your life brings about a certain type of joyousness and happiness that is much appreciated.

I love my job.
I have a slight distaste for weed now therefore I don't smoke now. For one, I haven't had anything exotic since I brought my stuff back from NJ and because of that I don't really like anything else because of that slumpy, dead weight feeling it gives you, and that nasty ass taste it leaves in my mouth that makes me want to brush my teeth right after. So I pass on many blunts now. I'm over it.

I just really need to put the missing piece of the puzzle in place and that would be to get my school shit together. I am a smart cookie and I need to use this to my advantage and remember why I am here. I need to really take advantage of my brain and be excited to learn. Somehow I must figure out a way to make myself eager to receive education because sometimes it seems like a chore. I realize what the power of knowledge is but I just don't know how to translate this into really getting my education. UGHH! I have some work to do.

My roommate and her bf fought the other day and I called the cops. Knives were involved, pots, her computer is nearly split in half, she bit the shit out of his shoulder and I believe chunks were missing. I'm not going to even tell you how I feel about this situation because honestly does it even matter? She will still be dating and dealing with dude, and his 1 yr old, and his babymoms, and his lack of diploma, GED, car, place to live (he has technically been living with us for the past 2 months), or job. I hate to be a Debbie Downer but some people really don't ever want to be more than nothing, and the women and men who support these types are pathetic.

I need to really start going to church because I am honestly fearful that the world we live in is sure to end soon. I don't know that religion has anything to do with it but I definitely need to approach a spiritual understanding and relationship so that I can keep myself sane in these times. I'm scared.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

sex with strangers.


I'm all for the fun and freak nasty (to some extent) but a.Why is this woman busting it wide open for these stranger muhfkas? b. Why are there not 1, not 2, but 3 participants in this mess? c. Where the fuck is this because I would never date a man from this state?

UGHHHHHHH! I am just so disgusted with life right now. This is such a sad era.

That woman probably had the most disturbed childhood. And men, yall just nasty! UGH! this makes me want to brush my own fucking teeth again this morning. Please people raise your children right! Do you see what is wrong with our society? Get it together by the time you plant seeds.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010


I will be beginning the following projects within the next month.

-Remodeling my room. (Incl. massive trash/donations)
- Editing this hideous 2009 page.
- Developing my business plan and garnering information on applicable grants.
- Cleaning out my closet. (I will prob incl. pics, BEWARE.)
- Studying math until I die(/the semester's over) because I missed a test. x_x
- Theming my 365 for the new yr.
- Reacquainting myself with the gym. (These 5 pounds aint gonna lose themselves.)
- Collecting and backing up the passwords to all of my accounts and despamming my email.
..... I could continue this list but that's enough for this month alone.