Tuesday, October 13, 2009

insomnia: 04 - sex edition.

(Cartoons, because I still want the kiddies to come to my blog! :])

Everybody loves sex. Not necessarily the act of having sex, but people just love sex; whether they want to admit it or not. It's intriguing, mysterious, exciting, interesting, strange etc. So what better a topic to speak upon when I can't go to sleep and I've just gotten done masturbating (yes, I washed my hands) than SEX?

  • I love sex. I can go long periods without it because I don't like to participate in floozy activities and I own a vibrator but once I get sex I'm instantly re-addicted.
  • I think phone sex is really awkward.
  • I've only had 2 orgasms ever.
  • You burn about 200 calories per every 30 minutes of sex.
  • I love hearing other people have sex! Except that time I heard my mom. WTF? That shit ruined my childhood.
  • I always lie about how many people I've had sex with. That's no ones business but my own. It hasn't been alot but even if it was 2 people I'd say something different because no one deserves the truth about my sexual partners but me. (AND my future husby)
  • Never anal. Never will.
  • Humans and dolphins are the only people who have sex for pleasure.
  • When I was younger I used to sneak and watch stuff like Taxicab Confessions and Real Sex on HBO. I was so badass.
  • I taught some of my friends in middle school what masturbation was.
  • Men aged 12 to 19 think about sex at least once every five minutes.
  • I hate predictable sex in predictable places with predictable positions. After the 2nd time I have sex with someone, if they don't change it up somehow, I will go ape-shit and just start doing random things.
  • I will have a 3-some one day but I refuse to eat another bitch's pussy.
  • Male bats have the highest rate of homosexuality in all mammals. *Take that, all you fuckbags who think that homosexuality is "learned."
  • I am the most porn-watching female that I know.
  • If I have ever met you in person and I know your boyfriend/girlfriend, I have envisioned you two having sex at least one time. If you are a cute dude, I have envisioned you fucking me.
  • Sex actually relieves headaches. (It can release the tension that restricts blood vessels in the brain.) No excuses!
  • Sex when you know you JUST MIGHTTT get caught or walked in on, is 389581094 times better.
  • My favorite male porn star is Rico Strong. Favorite female used to be Pinky but in my opinion Jazmine Cashmere has surpassed her in the game.
  • More than half of British adults have had sex in a public place!
  • I only watch 3-some porn.
  • When I was younger my mom had some tape (yes, VHS) of Ron Jeremy with this african chick fucking on the ledge of a jacuzzi. I watched that shit so much that I broke the tape. OOPS!
  • I cannot watch any porn outside of black porn or a black man with a black or latina woman. Anything else does not turn me on at all! (I think it's the voices.)
  • A man will ejaculate approximately 18 quarts of semen, containing half a trillion sperm, in his lifetime.
  • My grandparents are very young at heart still but I refuse to believe that my grandpa has sex. That will taint my admiration of him. However, by force, I have come to terms with my grandma having sex because she continues to remind me. >=[
  • I don't believe my great-grandparents ever had sex. Pointblank.
  • A man's beard grows fastest when he anticipates sex.
  • High sex is euphoric.
  • My mom caught me masturbating when I was 11 and decided to REMIND me of it via text last year. I still hate her for that.
That concludes tonight's sex talk. If any of this shocks you, you need to get out more. Lmao!


Keep it juicy.
p.s. 200th POST, BITCHESSS!


D.V. said...

oooohh man. you got caught lol
i can relate with that 12-19 year old thing. Mine happened late but i remember bouncing off the wall with sexual thoughts

good post

100K said...


khaki said...

this post made me LOL... awww man Ma caught you touching yoself.

Unbreakable said...

lol being caught by your parents is the worst feeling... yet the idea of being caught makes it so much more fun....

Mikki said...

I'm a porn addict. I love it. I watch a lot of it every single day.

My mom said that I'm sex maniac. HAHAHAHAHAH.

Also, threesomes are always fun. =]

But, my folks and I never had that 'birds and bees' convo...

Mikki said...

Oh yeah, good read. =]

s a s h a said...

Aha Ahahaha Ahahahahahahah!!! LMAOOOO

I learned some things I didn't know, some things I wish I knew before, and some things that never crossed my mind, but was much obliged!

Thank you. For you have changed my world!

lalaliybean said...

lol thanks guyss. and i didn't actually know that she caught me until i got that text. my ass thought i was slick.

A.R. said...

lol, this is hilarious.

☆Reese✮ said...

I overheard my mom & stepdad when I was 9 *shudders*..actually walked in on them, soooo not cool!
I used to watch the shows you mentioned on mute all the time lol, hand on the remote so I could switch to a more "acceptable" channel in case someone came in
Love yo' post!

Marie said...

porn is the shiiiiiiiiiiit. youre right. having sex with a high possibility of getting caught is so much better. & girl my dad caught me masturbating one time. i think i played it off though cuz it hasnt been brought up since it happened. all i know is im denying it till the death. lol.