Friday, June 6, 2008

oh no you didn't!

I'm sure this will probably gross out the 1 (if that!) reader I have...

(Ok so actually never mind because I don't think anyone reads this except for myself.)

..But I'm typing this from my toilet seat. I'm not pooping or anything, I just was battling whether to bring my laptop with me or just wait until after I pee to start my blog up, so when I decided to bring it with me I just got real comfortable and now I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna finish typing this all before I get up.

Anyways, look at this shit!!! --

Those were the only two that I saw that were fairly decent and, dare I say, wearable(?). The other ones were moose & walrus'... that shit is just wierd.

Lately I've been in NC, chillin with my momma before I start work at Rutgers. It's been ok but I'm ready to go back to Jersey. The crazy thing is that my mom wants me to come back down here for school in the spring semester which I kinda threw the idea at her because I wanna be closer to her. I miss my mommy sometimes and even though she irks my nerves excessively it's hard to cope with not living in the same state as your own mother. Not even one state away! But also, I hate the school that I'm at currently. It doesn't feel like an institution for higher learning. It just feels too mediocre and lord knows I'm not into mediocrity. So I wanna get up and go, go, go. I didn't intend to go so far away from everything that I've ever known though. I moved alot during the past few years, in middle and high school. But I've never moved out of the state. Or even been out of the state for longer than a week (besides vacations). I'm sort of adapting to the southern lifestyle but that doesn't mean I don't hate it. I hate that it's not the fast paced setting like Jersey is. And don't get me wrong, I know Jersey has its slow and country parts, but those were never parts that I was ever part of. I don't really like this situation that I'm in.

Anyways, so I'm on EJ's myspace last night and I get to J's page & see that he has a new gf. I'm happy for him. And here I was worried about his feelings being hurt and him being mad and bitter and not having anyone after me because he was so anti-social and he done found him a shawty. Well applause to him. I will admit that I started getting a lil chokey when I saw the pics of him nearly kissing her because at the end of the day I still love him dearly. (Not in that way, because if I wanted to still be with him I wouldn't have broken up with him) Plus I feel like the break up is still so fresh. But some people move faster than others and some people can't deal with being single. And I must admit, JL CANNOT deal with being single. He has no life if he's single because he's kinda anti-social and doesn't really hang out with alot of friends. It's all good though.

Lord knows I'm on the damn prowl loll! jk jk.

Anyways, I know my grades were super shitty this semester. In the end i got a fuckin 1.98 and I'm scared to death that my moms gonna find out and that I'm not gonna get accepted into UNC and then I'll just be here for a stagnant semester trying to go to community just to get to at least a 2.0 and I'll never hear the end of it. About how I'm wasting her money and blahh blahh.

I will admit I didn't completely apply myself like I should have. I will admit at times I'm lazy. I will admit that I have no self motivation and that I need to get my act together. But I don't wanna be beat down to the ground about it. Nor do I wanna be reminded about how much of a failure I am because I know that's what she's gonna say to me. "Aliyah, I feel like you're such a failure." I already know what can, will, would, and should be said. And I don't even wanna deal with it. I don't know I wish I just had a clean slate to work with. =[ I feel so bad. And upset with myself but I don't have a fucking time machine and I've never been the one to be a pessimist or dwell on negative shit. That's the type of actions that gets you in a slump and has ppl depressed, ready to kill themselves and shit. And never will I ever take shit that damn seriously.

Anyways I'm gonna get up off this toilet. lmao (don't judge me) adiosss!

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