Thursday, December 3, 2009

insomnia 08 - '09 wrap up.

This year has been a crazy year of ups and downs. There were alot of changes for me this year and although they weren't all good, I think experience is the best teacher so there are some things that I know now that I would not have realized if it weren't for the circumstances.

This year I got my first car and apartment. Two things that signify adulthood and independence. However, I've always been told that with freedom comes responsibility. I believe it. Rent is no joke. Actually, rent is fucking ugly and I hate it. The car shit is all gravy but once a month my mom lectures me about how fast I drive and how she'll kill me if her insurance goes up. *Talk to the hand*

I moved. I hated it. I still hate it. I don't fucking like where I live and I would've never envisioned myself living outside of New Jersey, let alone in North Carolina. But I have to. My roommates, although they bug me to pieces, they are actually great people as a whole. We have alot of good times together and I've learned things from living with them.

My uncle died. The epitome of the great father that I never had. He and my aunt were going through a kinda ugly divorce but he was always a good father and my cousins loved him. He was the type of father that a single-mother raised girl would love to have and he was just a great guy overall. He died 3 days before my birthday and I was devastated. He's unforgettable.

One thing that resulted from my uncle passing was my re-acquaintance with my fathers side of my family and my father. I hadn't seen my nanna in a long time, and some of my cousins had grown to be so big. My father attempted to make nice with me, and out of respect I was receptive to him but all the years lost can't be made up for. I think he knows when my birthday is but who knows? He has never done much and I don't expect much. But dealing with the death of my uncle helped me to understand not to take my family for grated.

My grades still aren't good. I do just enough to get by but I'm bad with class attendance. I hate going to class sometimes. I want to be a GREAT student. I want to make my family proud but at the same time I have no discipline and I don't know how to make myself show up to class everyday. I'm working on that. I really want to change.

I don't talk to my "bestfriend," Brielle, anymore. When I moved, she was apathetic. And blew off the plans we made for the week before I was supposed to leave. (This isn't the first time she's done something like this) Then after that, she still didn't hit me up until 3 wks later. That's not a bestfriend, that's barely even a friend. And from someone I've known for so long, I would expect her to be better than that. So I cut her off. Another experience that teaches me not to expect much from people.

My mom and her boyfriend, who she moved down here for, broke up. She moved out of his house 3 wks after I got here and she just took everything she wanted and left one day. I think it was best for her, they weren't compatible and he was borderline verbally abusive, but it breaks my heart that the reason I'm down here is essentially because my mom came down for him and then she leaves.... WHAT THE FUCK?! That shit really blew mines!

I got a decent job at Claire's. I like my coworkers, they're cool. But I cried because I couldn't go home for Thanksgiving because I had to work Black Friday. I don't care too much about Christmas. I'm not a kid anymore and I really stopped expecting to get gifts (especially in times like this) but I wanted to eat good food, get drunk, and spend hours laughing with my family. :(

A few days before Thanksgiving my great grandpa was diagnosed with colon cancer and because he's so old he won't last long. Need I stress that my family is MY WORLD; the only constant, unchanging thing in my life. Then today my mom tells me he found out he has liver cancer as well which just adds insult to injury. It has been stressful and hard to focus on positivity when so many emotionally draining things have happened thus far between my move and everything, and my family. The doctors told us that my bed-ridden great grandma was supposed to die years ago and my main fear is that I lose both of them within a short span of time. I feel like when my great grandpa passes my great grandma will throw in the towel as well. I'm scared of everything.

So this has been my year. A quarter tank of good and the rest filled with bad. I got to take one step forward, but with all of the tragedy and my move, I had to take two steps back. I smoke alot and sleep alot because during those times my mind isn't there. I can take my head away from whatever is burdening me and not give a fuck for some time. I just want everything bad to just stop being bad. Hopefully next year will be just a great, positive year! I hope.

2 comments:

Eury said...

First off let me say Im sorry that ur year has been kinda shitty.

We all have em, just not to this extent. But what im learning is God doesn't give you anything you cant handle... so hang in there.

People are in your life to teach you something, so once you learn the lesson, move on... Theres no use trying to keep them around.

2010 seems to be optimistic, so lets hope for the best

A.R. said...

i admire you, i still need to get my own car.